Toon’s Review: Star Trek – 6/10

Largely over hyped, this was a solid movie with entertaining characters that were unfortunately delivered with lacklustre action and a stinky story.


On most occasions, I come out of most movies with an immediate reaction… as do most other people most of the given time. Star Trek, however, was an exception to this circumstance that you may come across, most of the time. This was a movie that was at best mildly entertaining, chuckle worthy funny but at no point was it ever an edge of your seat thriller or something of the sort. There was nothing about it that was even vicariously mind blowing, just a whole bunch of hoopla with a dash of Scottish and Russian accents. To be honest it boldly went nowhere, most of the time.

The story of this movie is slightly nonsensical, it is about the Spock from the 60’s being a tad bit slow in saving an entire planet. Some dudes from that planet who were on a mining ship unfortunately witnessed their planet go boom and their families go boom with it. They blame Spock, who promised he would save the planet. So they go back in time, I don’t even remember how, to hunt down Spock. Going back in time meant coming across a young and at times ferocious Spock (as well as the old one, you never go double Spock!), a young and juvenile Kirk with the chops to take on Neo and a young rest-of-the-lot as well. Bet you didn’t see that one coming eh, Eric Bana! The villain. Oh time travel, how silly you are… I must digress.

Eat my shorts

Eat my shorts!

I hate time travel, its ridiculous. I can not even begin to account for the various ludicrous incarnations time travel has taken across literature. I have witnessed only two exceptions where time travel was perfected… and was never again to be repeated in a commendable manner. The first is the aptly named Steven Spielberg trilogy, Back to the Future. It was fairly convoluted since it basically worked on the String Theory (where going back in time and changing something basically creates a whole new timeline), but it was just so brilliantly executed that it all worked. The second is the time travel currently being undertaken by the numerous adventurers on the television show, Lost which was created by J.J. Abrams… the man responsible for this iteration of the Star Trek saga as well. The motto is simple in Lost for time travel science, “what happened, happened”. So how did he mess up time travel in Star Trek? Well, in this movie it seems more of an excuse rather than a pivotal plot development. It was an excuse to start a fresh page of young “Trekkies” and an excuse to bring back the ever fantastic Leonard Nimoy as the classic Spock. Both are acceptable, but the time travel across the movie was executed in such a laissez faire style that it was slightly ridiculous.

The quasi-human cast was thoroughly more entertaining than the lights show.

The quasi-human cast was considerably more entertaining than the lights show.

Anyone with a slight understanding of physics and how black holes work should have launched a spit across the theater on to the screen (or versa turn around and launch one at the projector, which ever is closer). Every single one of those creatures should have been decimated for being even remotely near a black hole, it was not even treated as an inconvenience… it was just a little black circle thing that you “hakuna matata” your way through on to some other random time plane.

On the topic of nitpicking, warp speed. No, I’m not going to bother. Let’s just accept all these things are okay. Black holes won’t crush you with infinite gravity. Counting down to warp speed is very necessary. You can s*** out a few bombs and blast yourself away from a black hole so your warp speed works again. God knows a bomb must have more power than your warp speed engine that lets you travel a million times faster than the speed of light.

The lights show.

The lights show.

The more I try to remember why Star Trek was a good movie, the less I can remember why Star Trek was a good movie. It was at times very entertaining, some smart writing and excellent acting from most of the cast created some genuinely funny moments. The action was a little too chaotic, at times slightly nonsensical. Some green homing missiles flying through space over and over again, hitting some ship which made the camera cut to some narrow hallway inside the designated ship at the time which then proceeded to explode with some random fire and sparks going off hither and dither. Why does the camera have to shake so much? I was sick while I watched this movie so this technique to convey action exacerbated my annoyance at times. Anyhow, I thought these ships had shields? I guess not, these little green missiles just went straight on through and plunked in plenty of holes on said given ship. If you have an explosion rip even a tiny hole in said given ship out in space, by all incarnations of the word, it is game over bro! As such we speak, why are aliens from the future of our future carrying swords? Why are humans from twenty five years before the aliens from the future of our future carrying retractable-swords? Lest we forget the only person carrying a retractable blade was Asian, and boy o boy did he know how to use that bad boy! Forgive me for forgetting that that the aliens have a slug/leech-thing that goes inside your mouth and up to your brain and sucks the truth out of you. Aya coco this movie was silly!

Exacerbated… cool word. I should not think about this movie too much. But I did, and it was a huge mistake. Life goes on.


(credit to and for the images)

One Response to “Toon’s Review: Star Trek – 6/10”

  1. Transformers 2 Tomorrow & The World Today. « Popcorn, Coke, and The Toon Says:

    […] unfavorable comments does not bode well. Then again Star Trek was reveling at 96% and was certainly nothing too special at all. I can’t imagine how they can go wrong, Michael Bay had a brilliantly awe-inspiring […]

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