Toon’s Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 3/10 (spoiler free)

Most disappointing movie of all time. No structure, no story, no personality and no originality. Just a whole lot of bang boom and yipee yappo that has been done before, and better.

Review:

Michael Bay has fallen to the utmost depths of idiocy and complete dysfunctional incumbent self-degenerating depths of failure devoid of any logic or reason. The experience of watching ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ could best be described as watching a headless chicken overdosed on Viagra constantly running itself in to a wall of discomforting stupidity and continuous climaxing without a beginning, middle or end. At its best, ‘Revenge of the Fallen’ is exactly the same as its 2007 incarnation minus the “wow factor”… and at its worse it is filled with the most cringe inducing dialogue that would even be rejected on Sesame Street. Unfortunately for most of its ridiculously long running time, it stays at its worse as an incoherent mess with no structure or personality.

Captain Badass.
Captain Badass.

The “plot” of this film has something to do with some ancient robots trying to destroy the sun, apparently all of these ancient robots were already on the earth for the past two thousand years which begs the question why no one cared or noticed this fact in the first movie. Sam (Shia LeBeouf) and Mikayla (Megan Fox) return as the wildly unbelievable couple, with more hodge podge love commentary between them then you can wag a stick at. The Autobots (good robots) are now working with the U.S. military in hunting down random Decepticons (bad robots), however they spend half the movie sitting around the back of a cargo plane or a warehouse… because such powerful creatures are now the slaves of America. The movie treks along at the rate of child’s colouring book, with the Decepticons trying to resurrect some random leader of theirs that never existed in the first movie and this new sun eating power thing that Sam has the key to imprinted in his brain. Cue repeat scenes of Decepticons hunting Sam just like the first film and periodic mumblings of American military fighting the bad robots while the Autobots just sit around and do nothing. “America, **** Yeah!” …

Click to read on…

There are some attempts at moral conflicts here, sautéed with some mechanistic and adolescent political commentary. There is no logic, or reason behind any of the actions that take place in this film and tack on the fact that every progression from scene to scene is joined together by jarringly disjointed dialogue results in a deliriously mind numbing and boring two hours and thirty minutes of a film. Bay is the devolution of film making, everything about this movie was the same as the first film, scene after scene of this sequel mimicked the first movie in a flawlessly awful way minus all the charm, characters and focus that made the first one so amazing. You will find the same jockstrap jokes here to the pinpoint exact same battle scenes in the “desert” and worst of all the exact bloody same military hoopla multiplied by fifty. This guy has an incandescent need to exemplify the American military, how long does it take to learn that shooting at giant metallic aliens with stupid machine guns has and never will achieve anything.

I wonder where all the robots went?
I wonder where all the robots went?

‘Transformers’ is about alien robots and it should have stayed that way, there were so many new characters in this film but none of them were given any personality or depth. They might as well have been walking around with a bloody name tag and a little party hat or a wrist band signifying which team they were on. It may have looked like all the robots were a given a hell of lot of screen time, but it certainly did not feel like it. Optimus Prime’s script must have been about a page long, and Megatron’s lines would probably fit in his Twitter feed. The story of ‘Transformers’ is by definition “Optimus vs. Megatron” and the best five minutes of this movie in the forest scene was just that. One of the coolest robots, Soundwave, spent the entire movie ass humping and riding around an American satellite in space, occasionally updating his friends on the haps around the silly little world of Michael Bay. This movie was an epic failure in fan service with all of the characters and stories from the cartoons mutilated beyond recognition. Interestingly enough, the most emotionally viable character man or machine in the entire movie was the robot Bumblebee, who couldn’t even speak. This flat out explains just how pathetic the writing quality of this film was.

Yes they sit around like this for most of the movie.
Yes they sit around like this for most of the movie.

The strength of the first film was its “wow factor”; this had none. I am thoroughly heart broken at how severely bad this was and how hideously contorted the story was to the true source material. ‘Transformers’ was the definition of my child hood and Michael Bay has just defecated all over it with his disgusting militaristic ego and hideously penchant directing abilities. There was always something going on in the movie, it never stopped to think or wonder what it was doing. It just rambled on through clichés and a whole lot of been there done that with no greater purpose in mind. Towards the end of the movie, one of the human characters says “I don’t know what we’re doing here but let’s keep running!” and to be honest this describes everything you need to know about this movie.

Opinions (Language Warning):

I am quite sick of coming up with complex insinuations, my head still hurts from last night. This movie utterly sucked and failed in every way possible. Michael Bay has a black-man complex; I swear he wishes he was a black person from all the ridiculous hip-hop esque jokes he adds and the aliens that act and talk like they just walked out of an adolescent rap video. As if one Kanye West influenced robot was not enough in the first movie, he has two utterly pathetic and limb-tearing stereotypical hip-african-american midget sized robots in this one that have never existed in any incarnation of any Transformers source material. There was a point in the film where these two midget robots had to read something, but obviously they did not know how to read because they were from the ‘hood.

The racial and stereotypical Michael Bay jokes did not end there, the ones that were genuinely funny were exactly the same as the first movie, and everything else was recycled garbage that involved things like a Mexican tripping over a security guard and tasering himself, a Mexican sleeping on the arms of a Jew as if they are homosexuals, a Jew telling a midget security guard to come eat his falafels, a midget security guard, a Chihuahua sized robot humping the heroine’s leg,  a robot cursing “m*****f*****” as if it is actually suppose to be comical and the same robot remarking that a character’s hair looks like a “Jew-fro”. At one point we witness a massive alien space ship for about ten seconds then never again hear or see any of it. The majority of the Autobots sit around in the their vehicle form for far too long and in the most pointless locations. The Decepticons completely outnumber the Autobots, yet for some reason a bunch of American tanks, two Jordanian helicopters and few hundred marines with plastic rifles and four Autobots is enough to repel the entirety of these all powerful beasts.  For some reason just because a robot is bigger, it means it is stupider and has giant testicles. For some reason just because a robot is ancient, it means it needs a walking stick and an aluminum beard and a British accent. Since when did an ancient alien race become infused with pop culture? This was one of the most idiotic films I have ever seen.

Jaime Foxx and Usher.
MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice.

Michael Bay should be hanged from his ankles upside down so that he suffers a head rush that lasts for two and a half hours, and then he will understand how his audience felt. Just for good measure we should beat him with a stick no wider than a thumb. In a movie like this that is derived from classic source material, then as a filmmaker you have two obvious directions to undertake. You can take the road of providing fan service; make a film that is supremely faithful and loyal adaptation so that you will please and bring smiles to the faces of nostalgia induced aficionados ala ‘Watchmen’. Of course this route can lead to a critical failure, so the other road to take is by reinventing the source in to a character case study filled with drama and surrealistic emotional depth akin to ‘The Dark Knight’. Ideally you can perfectly meld both sides of this manifestation by finding the rare ‘middle road’ with absolute fan service and emotional depth as seen best in ‘Spiderman 2’. This movie takes none of those roads, has none of that personality, achieves none of those things, goes nowhere it hasn’t already been and is pretty much about nothing.

3/10 – Just because of the five minute forest battle scene and a few funny Shia moments.

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7 Responses to “Toon’s Review: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 3/10 (spoiler free)”

  1. Deer Says:

    A Jew? You mean John Turturro? Turturro’s character wore a very large cross throughout many scenes in Transformers 1. That make him something quite opposite of Jewish.

  2. toonstar Says:

    @Deer
    Hey! Apologies, I will double check that and correct if necessary. Either way I mean absolutely no offense in any way, I am making sardonic commentary on Bay’s pervasive use of stereotypical and racist humour.

    I stand by my comment, as at one point during this movie the leg-humping remote controlled truck robot insulted John Turturro’s character and his “Jew-fro”.

    Now if this is inconsistent with the first film which according to your comment it is since Torturro was wearing a cross, then this is simply another example of Bay’s ineptness as a human being and despicable writing by Kurtzman, Orci and Kruger.

  3. Oj. Says:

    I think that with Michael Bay you know what you’re getting into so all this bashing is quite pointless. This is the same guy who gave us the Bad Boys franchise, some crappy horror movies and that shitty abomination Pearl Harbour. The first Transformers was quite a lot of fun…but i don;t see why your expectations were so high for this follow up. Surely it would entail more stupid pointless fun..even though Bay did take it over the edge with this sequel.

    Try not to bring in the Dark Knight and Spiderman 2 as a framework from which to assess this movie against. Two completely different genres and Transformers has nowhere near as enough history and a loyal fanbase as those other movies you mention. At its heart, Transformers is what it is. A movie about machines and robots that fight each other a lot.

  4. toonstar Says:

    I respectfully disagree, the first film had a rather fun formula to it so I, as anyone else, was well with in reason to expect a similar exciting outing… an improvement at least. If anything, learning lessons from what was wrong with the first movie and building it in the second. Better, more faithful robots. More iconic source material usage, develop Megatron vs. Optimus, reduce the barrage of military advertising and racial stereotyping. Instead it got worse in every way possible, a bigger and louder mess that simply became an insult to common intelligence.

    Batman and Spiderman are the exact frameworks to judge this against, all have a very loyal and rich history. I compared these because they achieved immaculate perfection in film making with two quite different approaches to their source material.

    Transformers was neither here nor there, it was transmuted by Bay’s imagination and the result is visible for all to see.

  5. Taimur Says:

    so i hate to but have to agree with the toon..i totally was not impressed whatsover…so many unnecessary ‘love’ references, over acting..and no wow factor that kept us all at the edge of our seat – i watched the 1st transformers three times, and still will chose that over this horrible attempt of a sequel 😦

  6. SRK Says:

    the movie was a freakin master piece! dunno what the damn world expected!? it officially OUT DID the first part!

  7. LnddMiles Says:

    Pretty cool post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say
    that I have really liked reading your blog posts. Anyway
    I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you post again soon!


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