Toon’s Review: Why I Refuse to Review ‘Inglourious Basterds’

Funny how I just sat down at Second Cup, and opened up my little laptop to connect to the internet, only to find a wireless network named “All Hail Bear Jew”. Thank you, fellow, for helping me illustrate the point I soon intend to make, hopefully well. Just a disclaimer notice, the man who acts as Jew Bear, Eli Roth, is the mind behind the film ‘Hostel’. Please do look this up… and I do sincerely apologize before-hand for making you see what that movie is about but I’m positive it will also help illustrate my feelings.

I don't want to write a caption.

I really do honestly and purely dislike Quentin Tarantino, from his arrogant movies to his publicity pictures showing him cross-dressing. And if my negative tint is not clear, yes, I do think cross-disgusting is despicable. I’m suppose to be a movie guy, so let me tell you quickly why I have not liked a single Tarantino film. All his films, they are a stage for something he wishes to express. ‘Kill Bill’ was a vehicle for sexuality and acrobatic violence, I’m sure it was derived from his lust of seeing the Matrix do combat so beautifully. He wanted to put his own twisted twist on it, result was those two colloquial pieces of garbage. ‘Pulp Fiction’ was a total hodge podge of incoherent gangster fest, a vehicle for a bunch of actors to play a bunch of over the top characters. ‘Grindhouse’, another prose of just unimaginable amounts of gore and sexuality. Utter stupidity in motion.

So, I approached Inglourious Basterds tentatively. I heard good things, so I was excited at the prospect of enjoying this film. Tarantino is a talented filmmaker, I won’t deny that, but his arrogance is so blatantly obvious and I simply can’t tolerate it. ‘Basterds’ was enjoyable at times, and it was very enjoyable for the parts Christoph Waltz was on screen as the bloody brilliant ‘Jew Hunter’. Great acting, and great character. Until the end,when he decided to suddenly act completely out of character so the Jews could have the ending to World War II that they wanted. Then it struck me, the whole movie, all the characters, all the situations, everything was set up completely for Nazi Bashing. Jew boasting Nazi bashing.

No doubt, the Nazi Bashing was obvious from the get go, the ‘Jew Bear’ hammering in the skull of a Nazi Sergeant elevated my fears that this film was nothing but the Jews stoking their retribution. Nothing but the collective hearts of Jews everywhere screaming with blood drenched fists as they themselves beat the skull of a Nazi in to paste. Surprisingly, the movie lulled on from there with these wonderful characters in a Paris cinema, there stories told patiently, enjoyably and wonderfully scripted… dotted with sublime moments of Christoph Waltz. It was all for nothing however, the movie at its end, dwindled from logic, and became clearly the mind of the Jew Bear himself…

I’d love to know why Hitler was guarded by a wooden door with two typically idiotic soldiers behind him, and not an army of elite soldiers as all forms of logic would suggest… *so we can easily and dramatically get to him so the Jew Bear can machine gun a crowd of movie watchers, then turn to Hitler and pepper him with bullets and show his body be ripped apart by bullets, cross the camera back to Jew Bear and watch him scream and explode with the blood of a million Jews boiling through his veins! Oh bravo! Bravo yee Jewish glory! Oh wonderful revenge! Oh blood oh blood!*

Expect a similar response by such inclined people, to why Christoph Waltz’ incredibly intelligent character made an absurd deal with the king of all Nazi torturers. My dog would’ve guessed that Aldo was not going to honour the deal, and I don’t even have a dog.

‘Inglourious Basterds’ is a great movie that is unbelievably stupid and arrogant. Many great characters were ruined by ridiculous levels of unnecessary violence and complete voids of logic, all this to serve Nazi Bashing by Jew Bears. I don’t give a shit what warrants the allowance of such obvious arrogant trepidations. *We have the right to do what ever the hell we want after what the Nazis did to us*. A comment, which I guarantee has been taken hold of in many more places other than on film. Maybe someone should make a film about a band of pagans, that go on a trip of retribution, slaughtering all the crusaders on their way to the Vatican, where they slam Pope Urban II to his knees and slit his throat. Could be a good storyline for ‘Robin Hood’ reboot.

Right at the end, it all came together to complete this experience… As Brad Pitt uttered Tarantino’s words “You know, this just might be my masterpiece”. You arrogant cross-dressing prick.

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Toon’s Review: The Wolfman – 2/10

This is a waste of time. No one is going to read this review, well I hope no one reads this review because no one is going to care about this movie. And if you did, and you watched this movie, then you must already share the sentiment I have presented in my opening.

He actually looks like a moron.

This film sucks. It’s awkward, the big budget actors act like this is their first time on screen. The special effects and soundtrack are horrendous, just all sorts of terrible, terrible low budget stuff. Not even 2010 low budget, this is throwback 1992 low budget. The story is terrible, the typical man/beast story done so many times has never been done worse. You can not sympathize with the man who is the beast, because when he is the beast he so disgustingly brutal and gory and terrible. You, as the audience, don’t care for his redemption, and hence you don’t care for the trodge podge this movie puts you through.

This movie is just so bloody confused, you could tell from the actors faces that they knew how horrific the script was. You can tell the director is pure amateur. You can tell the studio realised this film sucked, so to give it some appeal, they decided to add insatiable amounts of blood and dismemberment and just so many other disgusting sorts of violence. Please, for the life of me, just don’t watch this movie. Unless your an idiot who enjoys gore. There is nothing else here. The 2 out of 10 is for the mere 20 minutes Hugo Weaving got on screen to work his charm, he is a wonderful actor and I love him, and I know this is the biggest mistake he has made in his life.

Toon’s Review: Fantastic Mr. Fox – 9/10

I just want to whistle, snap my tongue and click my fingers and wink at every concoction of creation I see. What a fantastic little story this was. Witty to the bone, cute to the hip and sharp as a cucumber, there is no iota of excellence this movie doesn’t touch upon. First and foremost I must commend the wonderful piece of Roald Dahl literature that this little film is based on, it is one of his many great little stories from ‘The BFG’ to ‘Matilda’ and ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. In essence, like many of his books, ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’ is a naturalistic story about wild animals with civilities and struggles, needs and wants surrounded in a story of disaster and heroism. Dotted with such wonderful characters from a subtly cross dressing and misunderstood child-fox to the politest possum and a badger lawyer with profound expertise with explosives. This above all else makes this movie and story about a Fantastic Mr.Fox who just wants to steal some chickens, all so simple and enjoyable.

Wonderful little people, the lot of 'em.

The soundtrack is wonderfully eclectic, upbeat and comedic to get the viewer involved in every dashing situation. Excellent is Wes Anderson’s direction and creativity, to bring these stop-motion fur-filled little toys to life and with such heartfelt charisma and talent. I am sure the amazing voice acting of George Clooney, Bill Murray and Meryl Streep certainly contributed, none the less it was just surprisingly well made stuff all round.

I am just astounded with compliments for this movie, it’s one of those things you know, you don’t really expect anything at all, only to come out on the other side so genuinely enlightened and amused. Gah, what a wonderful experience, I want to rewind to 10:00 pm with my wonderful little dinner on my table and press play on this wonderful little film again with all these little animals and their delinquent little hand motions and silly little whistles and finger clicks and honestly laden insults and dashingly descriptive smiles. You’re suppose to be *my* lab partner. I am! No you’re not, you’re disloyal.

The too polite possum Kylie and Mr. Fox

Toon’s Top 5 – My Favourite Scenes

Let me first apologize, I wasn’t able to find clips of all the scenes I mention below even though I searched high and low, Youtube isn’t all the great.

1. The Best Speech

This verbiage most valiantly veers to only one visage of perfected veracity.  I vivify no other vicissitude save this…

Honourable Mentions: Allen’s “Wolf Pack” speech from ‘The Hangover’, Aragorn’s speech at the Black Gate from ‘Lord of the Rings’, and copious amounts of lines from ‘300’.

2. The Best Fight Scene

It’s an injustice to select one, there have been far too many brilliantly orchestrated ballets of perfection. It’s an injustice to even select just one scene from the Matrix trilogy, each battle, each scene is poignantly proportional to the stakes it presents. Fight for fight the scale increases as Neo expands his understanding of the Matrix through the first film. By the second, and my choice of the scene that carried the most powerful impact, Neo possesses such a suave and brilliant confidence over his enemies. Rob Dougan’s soundtrack beautifully, yet briefly, captures Neo stride for stride as he dances and hammers his opponents with such supreme power.

(If I had my way I would make you swear to watch this in its HD version, such excellence the quality does indeed present.)

Honourable Mentions: The incredible film capture of ‘300’, the final fight of Ozymandias vs Night Owl & Rorschach from ‘Watchmen’, ‘The Incredible Hulk’ battle on the grass grounds with the Sonic Weapons and military.

3. The Best Romantic Scene

This, something like this, clearly doesn’t mean much out of context. The situation, how it may or may not resonate with your experiences, pertains completely to all the emotional gravitas any scene from any film may ever present to you. With that word of caution, here’s my favourite…

Honourable Mention: Peter Parker throwing away Mary Jane’s love at the end of ‘Spiderman’, I want to say the end of Titanic, but I really don’t like James Cameron.

4. The Best Soundtrack Scene(s)

This has to be a series of videos, from one of my utmost favourite movies. One of the most perfectly acted, beautifully cut movies I have ever seen, ‘Collateral’.

5. The Best Moment in Film

The number one here is clear, and very few moments of movie magic come close. Steven Spielberg is a pioneer filmmaker, and I know seeing it as so will hardly have the same effect it did on me 1993 sitting in a rugged Pakistani film theater, but the sentiment is there… The first time Dr. Alan Grant walks on the green pastures of ‘Jurassic Park’ to look up and see a massive and magnificent Brachiosaurus… it was unreal how real it was. Amazing.

Honourable Mention: The first transformation of Optimus Prime in ‘Transformers’, entire cinematography of ‘Seabiscuit’, the war scenes of ‘The Lord of the Rings’.

Toon’s Review: The Brothers Bloom – 7/10

Adrien Brody, Rachel Weisz and Mark Ruffalo

Charming and beautiful at times, such wonder in the smiles of our characters, the wit of their lines and grandeur of the locations ‘The Brothers Bloom’ takes us.

It is a typical yet out of focus con story, not told well very well but shown brilliantly. Just amazing acting combined with genuine and bright characters, peppered with a wonderful soundtrack and classic film making almost led this piece of film to perfection. However, like many con stories, it dwindled in its own complexity, losing the characters to juxtaposition rather than the bond that made them all so entertaining in tandem. Leaving the ending to be a sigh of understanding, rather than the smile of a great finish.

Toon’s Review: (500) Days of Summer – 7/10

This really isn’t a movie review, because this really wasn’t a movie. It’s going to be very disjointed, and ultimately inconsequential, quite like this movie. The days of our lives are inconsequential, but put them through seasons and it becomes a journey. One to the next, our leaves leave us, snow and darkness covers us, rain cleanses us and then the sun finally revives us. Or you could live in Dubai and spend everyday praying the sun shines a little less hot and it rains for bloody once.

(500) Days of Summer starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel

(500) Days of Summer is at times a wonderful movie, it’s not wholesome in any way, nor is it a love story, as the narrator aptly warns his audience before the film begins. What it is though, is a story about the little things, a culmination of moments, that serves to remind how unique people can be. We may not like them, we may be different and not sympathize with them, but that’s exactly it. We are who we are, and what we experience, lose and gain will never change who we are, it will only provide the sustenance of mood to our soul. People who believe in love at first sight will always believe that, people looking for the one will always believe that, people who live for the moment forever will, live for the moment. I believe Summer will fall out of love unsatisfied, and I believe Tom will idealize Autumn as his true love, and will continue to do so till one sticks. This is my perception of either of those things.

In it’s moments, ‘Han Solo’ reflection to Tom’s impeccable walk and sketch down the boulevard of broken dreams, this film is a treat for the eye. I approve of Marc Webb’s direction, the ‘Spiderman’ franchise will be in capable hands. The sounds are equally wonderful, aptly saddening and heart warming music trembles along the side of this film. As a journey though, this film is disjointed by its structure and unideal due to its characters. They were acted brilliantly, but they themselves, the people, the people are just so lost. So unbalanced, and at the end of everything they have gained and lost, they learn nothing about life. Learn that life is a journey, and not about the little moments. That you shouldn’t have to sleep with a woman to have a skip in your step the next day. That you shouldn’t play with someone’s heart when it means nothing to you. That you shouldn’t lose yourself in anger to the behest of others. That you should make do with all the little things life throws at you, because at the end of the day, life is so much bigger than just 500 days.

Toon’s Review: Vicky Christina Barcelona – 5/10

I was enjoying the movie whilst I was watching, yet as it approached its incandescent conclusion, I felt a slight dissatisfaction. As if, the experience was somewhat a waste of my time, as if on the other side of it I am none the brighter or further enlightened in life.Vicky is a sensible woman about to get married and looking forward to the stability she has wanted all her life, Christina is the opposite of her best friend Vicky, and knows what she doesn’t want in life. They come to Barcelona and meet Juan Antonio, with such an exciting name how could the man not be so bloody exciting and all things Spanish and artsy and out-there. The movie goes through paces, of people falling in and out of lust, people not wanting what they want, people getting what they want, but at the end none of them get what they want, and the movie ends with nobody learning anything what so ever.

So, seemingly this movie was like a relationship, that started off exciting with all parties engaged on some common purpose of finding love and satisfaction all in one, or two. Yet after all was said and done, and the sensibilities and correctness of living a survivable life hit Vicky and Christina. Soon enough, we, like them, could not wait to be done with Barcelona. Go ahead and watch the interesting ride of Vicky Christina Barcelona, if you are a Christina. If  you are a Vicky, don’t bother.

Vicky and Christina

Mr. Barcelona